A Negative Mind Can't Live

Just realized that I haven't posted since October, a lot has changed since then.

For one, you guessed it!! I haven't been on track at all, I tried, but gave in to my food addiction. Like any addict, it's some thing I am not proud of, so I will stay closed up.

I haven't been happy with myself at all. I've cried poor pitiful me and still ate food that was bad for me. No one to blame but myself.

It's crazy, I get to the point that I don't have the will to even start eating right again. If I don't want to do some thing, I will simply not do it.

Even a trip to the Dr. with a few health issues did not even wake me up. We spoke about my weight, most Dr's just see you and collect your money, he let me know what's going to happen. I'm basically killing myself and I'm not one to tear up in front of people I don't know, but I did that day. We spoke about lap band and I was thinking, has it come to this? I think the lap band is great, but I'm just being lazy here. I have done this and even lost weight before, I just end up giving in again. I'm perfectly able to eat right and exercise.

It's embarrassing to go out, usually figure out a way that I don't have to go. Imagine people seeing this and judging me. This is not an addiction that no one knows about, I wear this every place I go. People are mean and it seems to be getting worse. Instead of getting to know a person, they just make a snap judgment and disregard the person.

It all got to the point of me wanting to kill myself because this all is so embarrassing. These are feelings I haven't had since I was a teen, to be honest, if I had a gun I probably would have. All the negative thoughts enter my mind... I'll never be able to lose all this weight, it can't be done. Everything hurts and I'm just tired of everything, would be easier to just end it all.

The person I am, I have to make myself be positive. After awhile of doing so, it's easier.. My nature seems to be of the negative. It's easier for me to assume the worse, than think it will all be okay. It was easier to be positive when I was younger, but knowing what I do now of people.. I just assume the worse. That's no way to think.

In my previous post I wrote about Fat Sick & Nearly Dead. Well, they have a second edition in which I watched last Wednesday. After watching it, I realized a few things. This can be done! Look at all the people who were 600lbs and now able to do marathons! They even did an update on the truck driver, who seemed to have gained almost all his weight back. If that were me, I would have declined for the update. This chick would be so embarrassed to even peak my head out the door. He still spoke about what happened and caused him to put the weight back on. Also showed him rebooting and getting back on track. That really touched me – you go dude! I love honest people!

It's mind over matter. MIND OVER MATTER! When your mind is aligned, other things seem to fall into place. When you eat foods that fuel you, it helps your mind function better and you think more positive things. I've been back on track for a week now, down 6.4lbs.

I am so tired of feeling like crap and having my mood be determined if I have something good to eat in the house or if I can go buy fast food. It's all a lifestyle change and mine hasn't been the best. The mind must be trained to make the right decisions, without that, I will go back to the same ole again.

So, I've decided this chick is going to live life fat and then skinny. It's not about a number on the scale, but my health. It's about how I feel when I'm eating right and treating my body well.

Life is to be experienced. People complain about not having enough money to buy this or go do that. Going for a walk in the park does not cost anything and it clears the mind. Going for a hike, these are things that you experience and can not be bought. To eat right and then watch the scales go down, to hit a goal. You can not buy that.

I alone did this and I will fix this. Like I told my Dr., I feel as though I'm dead already. Just walking around and waiting until it actually happens. You can not experience life while you are asleep or sitting on the couch. Watching your favorite show on tv or a movie is not living, it's just something that's here at this point in time.

May I add?

Don't give 2 craps about what others think of you. If they speak negatively about you it's on them and it will only hurt them in the end. We can not change the world by being scared of it. Grab the world by the horns no matter where you are in life right now. Refuse to think of yourself in a negative way – change the switch to positive and never look back.

Until next time! =)